My sister and I just had a discussion about my blog. It’s a similar discussion to the one I had earlier this weekend with my friends before I went to Manhattan for a little mini-vacation with A. Throughout my blog, you will see a great deal of redundancy right now because people pick and choose which passages/articles/chapters they want to see and I am trying to control how someone interprets what I am saying. My friends are worried others will think that I am changing in a bad way and I promise I am not. Writing anything in a neutral tone is practically impossible, however I like to challenge myself, and I want to see if I can do it.
Some of my closest friends say I should take it off the Internet and not make it public until it’s perfect, however I do not want to do that. It’s not because that is not a good idea. It is a helpful suggestion. Sometimes, I do care what my closest friends and immediate family members things of me. The entire reason I started this blog was to prove that perfect people do not exist. In the world we live in perfection is what many humans strive to be and live for. I lived a great deal of my life trying to be perfect and I was unhappy with myself for that reason alone.
I no longer care because I know I will never be perfect. I will never 100% love everything about myself. I am not always going to look pretty, have nice hair/skin/body or perfect grades. I feel like every human being should come to that realization. You will like yourself more when you do.
I do not want to “unpublish” it because I want you to the progress in a human being. I want you to see the layers of a human. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I am just using myself as an example. I want you to see grammatical/punctual mistakes/choppy writing. All my bad qualities lie within every other human being too. Sometimes, the good outweighs the bad though. I want whoever reads this blog to track my progress. In society today, everyone is obsessed with the results rather than the progress. I value progress more than actual results. It shows someone’s true character. It shows resilience. In my opinion, it is more impressive to see how someone overcame one’s own hardships than the actual battles themselves. Honestly, this could end up being nothing and that’s fine too. I’m writing this for myself.
Additionally, I want people to notice that this is how criminals operate; you never notice the signs until after the damage is done and then the government investigates what happened. The signs have always been there most people are not paying attention though. And I am not blaming anyone for not noticing these signs. Every human being is busy. Our government is incredibly busying protecting the people, investigating hundreds of crimes, and striving to stop criminals in every field of work. Most people, myself included, are more focused on ourselves to notice whether or not something bad is about to happen. I never would have become a more aware, detail-oriented, and resilient person if I did not work for the government. I would never hurt anyone. I am just sick of negative stigma people have against Muslims in the United States.
I truly do not have a “desire” to be Instagram/Snapchat famous or famous in general. I do not have a desire to tally my likes/views and have those written on my tombstone. I was caught up in the idea that it has to work and that it must happen, but I realized how unrealistic I was being with myself. It may never work out and I have come to accept that concept. I still have many other things to do with my life, so it’s not a big deal. This was never the one thing I planned to do forever; it has always been a side project.
Writing is therapeutic for me, so I just feel better coming clean about everything. During my time at the federal government my job was to create databases and this functions as one too. I am just trying to help others understand that I already knew how to create this before I started it. This was not difficult for me to create, I made it in three months. This is a learning process for me too. I just Google things and ask engineers, friends, tech savvy people questions. I want this to be a relatable experience for others who may have come across the same hardships. Some familiar faces from my past have reached out to me, so it’s a nice feeling knowing other people can relate to my situation. If I can wake up everyday and still find happiness in my life, then you can too. By the end of this blog, if it ever ends, I hope whoever reads it sees who I truly am.
Every human being should be proud of him/herself. As much as I am doing this for my Mom, I am doing it for myself too. A post a day keeps the therapist away. There is a method behind the madness maybe you will see the story unfold or maybe it never will. I always find it funny how some people unintentionally make assumptions; a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof. Rather than asking questions, others just fill in the gaps themselves and make their own conclusions. And that 100% okay with me.
Anyways, my hair is a frizzfest right now and I have no desire to get ready/look pretty for Colleen’s surprise party. I
Hope everyone has a lovely weekend!